


And Then

by Ottermouse



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 08:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14996624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ottermouse/pseuds/Ottermouse
Summary: Anders didn't think that Hawke would stay after everything that happened in Kirkwall. But he did. And he doesn't quite know how to handle that.





	And Then

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 2018 Handers Reverse Bang
> 
> Thank you so much to [spirit-phones](http://spirit-phones.tumblr.com/) for creating the beautiful artwork that inspired this piece <3

Anders never thought that he would be alive for this.

At best he would be dead and held a martyr and the mages would revolt and stand up for themselves.

At worst he would be dead and the templars and Chantry would cover the whole thing up or begin massacring mages in even greater numbers.

But here he was, still breathing, and on the run with the one person he cared about most in the world. Hawke.

Not to say that it was easy. While Anders’ magic made it easy for them to stay warm and made illness non-existent, they still needed shelter and food. Trying to conserve what little coin they had, they often had to trade favors through physical labor on Hawke’s end, and healing on Anders’ end.

Most of their days were spent in silence, and though Anders was aware that Hawke was not mad at him, or blamed him for anything, he couldn’t help but feel guilty– knowing that Hawke never wanted to be on the run again after what he experienced during the Blight. Exhaustion had settled over them, words losing their meaning and feeling rough on the tongue. But Hawke still held his hand as they travelled, and stayed close to him as they slept. The looks he gave were still soft and caring under the dark circles, slumped shoulders, and dirty clothing.

Hawke spent what little free time he had writing letters to Varric– sending them all at once whenever their travels took them near a large city. Even if the dwarf was never able to send a reply, Anders felt that it didn’t matter to Hawke. He may love the rogue and be more than willing to help and listen, but there were some things he could not provide for the other, and it made sense for Hawke to turn to his closest friend.

As Anders’ treachery became known across the continent, it made it that much more dangerous for them to stop in towns for longer than a few hours, if they make a stop at all. On the rare occasion they would come across the home of another apostate or a mage sympathizer or the family of a mage who was abused in the Circle. These people were often enthusiastic in wanting to help, but the way some treated Anders like a god made him uncomfortable and after receiving some food and rest the travellers would often quickly be on their way again.

The farther north they travelled, the warmer it became, and while they no longer froze at night, hiding Anders’ staff became more difficult, as it had been tucked under his now-useless thick cloak. The likelihood of people mistaking it for a walking stick was non-existent.

Luck was with them, however, when one the children they saved from a group slavers turned out to be the son of the family who ran the local renowned hot springs inn. As thanks for saving not only their son, but the children of the town in general, the family was more than willing to allow the two travellers free room, food, vanity supplies, and access to the hot springs themselves. This meant they were able to have their first proper bath in weeks– as there was a shower area customers were required to use in order to keep the springs clean.

Anders never realized until then how much good hygiene could make one feel as happy and energized as he felt. The springs as well seemed to relieve most of the stress off of his shoulders as he sunk into the warm water, and judging by Hawke’s expression, it was relaxing for him as well.

They sat, soaking in the steaming water, taking a moment to focus on themselves and to forget about what was happening in the world around them. Anders couldn’t help but stare at Hawke. It had been nearly ten years since they first met. Enough time for deep wrinkles to form in his forehead from frowning, and for Hawke’s once cheerful and sarcastic personality to become more dry and sardonic.

“What’re you looking at?” Hawke asked, tone flirty.

“The love of my life.” Anders replied softly.

Even though the heat from the springs hid it, he knew that the rogue was blushing. Anders scooted closer to him, causing the water to ripple around them, and held his hand loosely.

They stayed there in a comfortable silence until their fingers pruned. After, they changed into simple robes provided by the inn while their dirty clothes were being washed. Hawke took advantage of the large vanity in their room, spending the next hour meticulously shaving and grooming himself, then Anders.

“I like you with long hair,” Hawke murmured as he brushed the dirty-blond locks that now curled past Anders’ shoulders. “But all good things come to an end. Time to give you a trim while we can. Can’t have you walking around with hair thick and matted as a feral dog’s.”

Hawke tugged on the ends a bit before grabbing a comb and brushing the damp hair straight. “I’m not the best at this, so if it turns out horrible, just remember that it’ll grow out in a few weeks time.”

Hawke picked up the small shears and began to snip off bits of Anders’ hair at a time. The mage stayed still and closed his eyes, feeling Hawke’s hand and the comb brush through his hair and the quick snips as the weight pulling down on his head became lighter. It was so relaxing that Anders felt disappointment when it was over. He stared at himself in the mirror. He hadn’t done that in a while, and even when he was in Kirkwall he only did it on a date night when he was trying to make himself look good for Hawke.

He looked his age, now. Maybe could even pass for a little older. He turned away, not wanting to micro-analyze all of the physical changes that had happened over what felt like such a short period of time.

“Thank you,” Anders said, gathering up the cut strands that still lay on the floor and tossing them into the small waste bin that was off to the side.

Hawke brushed his hands through the mage’s hair again before cupping his cheeks and kissing him tenderly. “It’s time we got some rest, yeah?”

Anders lay down on the bed, stretching his limbs out and inviting Hawke to join him. As warm and comforting it was, it was unfamiliar, and Anders found himself unable to sleep. When camping, his mind was focused on getting as much rest as possible while also keeping aware of his surroundings that no one would suddenly jump them. Here, he didn’t need to worry about that as much, which allowed him the opportunity for darker thoughts to creep into his mind.

He got up from the bed as quietly as he could and began to pace about the room.

He should be dead. He _should_ be dead. He had done nothing to deserve this and he never wanted to know the outcomes of his actions just wanted people to know that he existed and deserved to be treated as anyone should and it wasn’t as if he did it _wanting_ the world to go to shit, just anything other than the horrible status quo that had reigned and he should just turn himself in there were so many innocent mages being hurt because of him but he should have expected that and there already were innocent mages being hurt only now it was out in the open and at least they were advocating for themselves now but even still what he’d done he couldn’t… he couldn’t…

He glanced over at Hawke, at his sleeping face, and did what he could to hold back his tears. 40 years and he’d only ever had 2 lovers. One he killed upon request, and the other on the run because of him.

Hawke didn’t need to. He wasn’t even a mage– didn’t know what horrors awaited mages in the Circles. Even with his father and sister being mages, he would never truly understand what life for them– whether in a Circle, an apostate, or Tranquil– was like, and yet he outwardly supported them. At every opportunity he had saved and protected all he came across.

And here he was now. Choosing to throw away the title of Champion, to leave behind his comfort and familiarity and privilege; to leave a city where he had a large amount of power and influence and where citizens and refugees looked up to him.

He left all of that, to protect the apostate who blew up the Kirkwall chantry, knowing all the while that the plight of the mages would always come before their relationship.

He’d always anticipated being alone. He had had no plan for if any of his friends stood by him. But most of them did, and he regretted not trusting them more. He’d never imagined that he would come to be loved so much by another person. It seemed impossible, after the past 9 years.

Him loving someone? Likely. That someone loving him back with a similar amount of intensity? Absolutely not.

But here Hawke was, sleeping besides him. Anders leaned over and pressed a chaste but lengthy kiss on his temple, gently brushing fingers through the dark brown hair. He leaned his forehead against where he had kissed for a moment before pulling back and whispering, “I love you more than words could say.”

He wiped stray tears from his eyes, then burrowed himself back under the covers, curling as close as he could against the warmth of Hawke’s body, and fell asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Why isn't Justice mentioned at all in this fic? Because I totally forgot he existed until the final draft was done :p


End file.
